What a Year!

Dear Jack:

Yesterday was August 28th and you my boy, turned one years old. What a year it's been! On your first birthday you awoke at 4 am and I in my sleep induced swagger, stumbled into your room to feed you your bottle. And as I sat there holding your little body in my arms, my mind wondered to where we were a year ago.

One year ago at 4 am on August 28th you were four hours old. Your entry into this world was not an easy one for either of us. You were very content in your the underwater world of the womb and you did not want to leave. You were two weeks late, you put your momma in 2 days of heavy labor and finally you said hello. But those first cries a mother waits to hear, did not escape your lungs, as you my boy were not breathing when you were born. The NICU team did an amazing job of bringing your lungs to life, and after they let me hold you for about 2 seconds they whisked you off to the NICU to put you on a respirator and to do some tests.

Finally at 4 am one year ago, on my way to the post partum unit, they wheeled me into the NICU so I could hold your fragile little body. You were so tiny. I didn't want to let you go. But alas, I had to go, and leaving you was very hard. But I knew you were in good hands. You were only 4 hours old, but you had a large population cheering for you.

Later on that day, you were taken off the respirator because you could breathe on your own. And were moved to another area of the NICU. You had to stay there a week and your father and I were there every day. Leaving you at the end of the day was the toughest part, but I knew it wouldn't be long until you would come home.

You were finally strong enough to come home, and surviving the NICU was nothing to surviving your big sister. She loves you so much, and though sometimes that love is shown by hugging you a little too tight around the neck or throwing toys at your head she really does love you. I spent the first 6 months of your life home with you and than I had to go back to work full time.

Though I don't get as much time with you as I would like, every moment with you Jack is amazing. You are growing up to be one funny little boy.

You have the biggest 4 teeth smile and the curliest brown hair. I can test how humid a day is by the curliness of your hair. You love music. Any kind of music, you smile, laugh and clap. Though as of late Pearl Jam appears to be your fave. Perhaps you will grow up and rock some awesome tunes on a guitar.

You also love to eat. I have yet to find a food you don't' like.

You my little boy have grown up very, very fast. You have smile that is contagious.

You've started walking and everything is an adventure. And there are so many other adventures awaiting you.

I look forward to getting to know you more. I love you Jack!

Mama

To Future Appointments With The Principal

As noted in my previous blog entry yesterday was Ally's first day of school. I picked her up with out incident and heard all about her new friends, her nice teacher and the eternal bounty of crayons.

That evening after dinner however I got a glimpse into the academic future of my child. If not stimulated, the teacher better watch out. Ally is a mastermind.

After drinking her milk, Ally held the plastic cup up to her mouth, and began imitating the principal talking on the intercom "STUDENTS! STUDENTS! GET TO YOUR CLASS" and than began laughing mercilessly. "MAMA, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT MAN TALKS LIKE THAT" and than again began the routine.

Though I'm her mother, and claim that my child is very ahead of the curve. I couldn't believe my 3 year old was already making fun of the principal. I totally had to give her props.

And than I began practicing reciting my speeches to the principal. I may want to have a few on hand.....

Separation Anxeity

Dear Ally:

Today was your first day of pre-school. We have spent much time preparing for it. Telling you all about all the new friends you're going to meet, going and getting your new school supplies- everything pink. A pink Hello Kitty Backpack, a pink princess lunch box and of course pink sequined shoes. We had to jazz up your uniform a little bit, as you do shine so bright.

I took the day off for this momentous occasion. Yesterday we laid your uniform out, labeled everything you own with a sharpie, baked cookies and packed your lunch. We were all set.

You woke up this morning with much energy and excitement on putting on your new uniform and pink sparkly shoes. We packed your back pack, loaded your brother into the stroller and began the 5 block journey.

The cafeteria was insanity with over 200 excited kids and anxious parents. You held on to my hand and kept looking up at me with those giant eyes full of fear and excitement. Finally they called your class and we went up to meet your teacher, you kept asking me "Are you going to stay?" I told you I would as long as I could. We all marched to your classroom where we hung up your back pack and you had to pick a letter to sit on. I placed you next to a girl named Ella, her mother and I were in the same birthing class when we were pregnant with you and her, and her mother and I decided that you should be letter friends. You and Ella gripped hands as though you've been best friends forever.

Your teacher seemed very nice as she explained the day, and told all of us that there would be tears and that it would all be okay. You kept looking back at me to make sure I was still there.

It was now time for your class to line up and go to art class. The parents followed and at a certain point, there were double doors that your class went through, but the parents just stopped and watched as you all were led on. You were crying and the teacher had to pick you up. I wanted to go to you, hold you and tell you it was all going to be okay, but I knew this was an adventure, the first of many, that you had to do on your own.

I cried on the way home. Not because I just left you in the hands of complete strangers I'm entrusting to teach you not only the alphabet, but life skills. I cried because, you my amazing girl, are growing up. You don't need me in the same ways you once did. And though infancy was a huge challenge for both of us, I shudder at the new challenges that are being set before us. Did I buy you the right back pack? Should I have packed you one more piece of fruit? Did I give you the right skills to stand up for yourself?

This is just the beginning of many questions I'll ask in the raising of you. There are so many things I wish for you, but the main thing I wish for you is to be happy.

So my beautiful girl, I will sit in anxiety for the next 6 hours until I pick you up and hear about your day.

I love you Allison Rose, and am so proud of you for so many reasons.

Love,

Your Mama

Hot Mama

So it's been an interesting week since my last post. I'm beginning to think that getting over the disappointment of not meeting The Vedder has done something to my body making me send out some very powerful pheromones.... Perhaps it was fate we did not meet, perhaps Eddie could not have handled my hotness.

Now I suppose my one reader, or maybe two your wondering what on earth could II be referring too. Well in the past week, I've been one one date- and not w. my husband-, had at least 3 people tell me I was hot, and had one woman at the playground I had Jack's birthday party at tell me I was "sexy". Yes, all of the above statements are true, and as I write, yes I'm sober.

The week started when and old friend I've recently regained contact told me that I was the only person he knew that wore their inside beauty on the outside. The quote was: "I'm not sure you could hide your inner beauty if you tried. It's infectious.
People feel instantly loved by you, in a completely non-threatening way, so they can't help but love you back. It's almost reflexive."

I've never been so honored in my life. And the more I thought about it. The more I realized it was true. So maybe this sparked the confidence I've been needing to make me more comfortable in my own skin for the others to view me as the hot mama I am.

The week continued on with dinner with a someone I helped out a lot this summer. We had a delicious dinner and excellent conversation. Not wanting the fun to end we continued on to my hang out for bar trivia. We lost, but not before he told me I was hot and that I had nice legs. Upon returning home, I realized that I had just gone on a date. And as far as first dates go, it was one of my better ones. My husband is a saint for putting up with my shenanigans! And for allowing me to date..

The topper was on Saturday when I was at the park setting up for Jack's birthday party when a woman came over to help me. We were talking when she started looking me up and down and told me I was sexy. Though honored by her come on, I'm not really sure how of the etiquette of being hit on by other moms at the playground. Given my recent experiences, I may want to look into it. Perhaps that's my next project.

Given everything I've been through this summer with dealing with my new body, these compliments were welcomed. They were just what I needed to help me cope.

Now with all this flattery laid before me, I hope to handle it all responsibly. I'm now at Hot Mama status. Insert cougar growl here....

Pure Joy and Bittersweetness

So last night was the long awaited Eddie Vedder show. And it did not dissapoint and lived up to all of my excpecations. And made me want more.

The moment was also much wanted as I 've been home alone with Jack all weekend, Jason and Ally have gone to Texas. Jason escorted her down there so she could spend the week with her grandparents. He's back tonight and Ally comes back on Friday. Jack is teething and has an ear infection so he's been a little grumpy. My fabulous friends Robb and Erin babysat him while I went and spent 3 hours in pure bliss.

I saw Pearl Jam in June and that was amazing. But last nights gathering at the Warner Theatre was so intimate and wonderful. It was like he was playing in my living room. Every song was amazing and as his voice belted through the theatre, I felt like he was ravishing me with every chord.

My friends Suzanne and Sarah and I grasped hands during almost the whole show as we were at the end of our seats. We clung to every note and every word as he spoke.

He preformed every song off the Into the Wild Soundtrack and did a few Beatles and other covers. And I soaked in every moment. I almost lost it though when he sang "Throw Your Arms Around Me" one of my favorites. " I'll kiss you in 195 different places.." Oh Eddie, kiss me. I'm pretty sure I left nail marks on the wooden balcony that was in front of me.



After the show, being the groupies we are- ha ha- we went to the back of the Warner Theatre and waited with about 25 other people for him to emerge. At midnight I had to leave to come home to Jack. But my friends stayed and at 2 AM The Vedder emerged, and talked to the group and than shook every one's hands. My friends say he was so nice and I love hearing the stories, as I'm living vicariously through them. Ah, being a responsible grown up is no fun sometimes.

But someday, I'll get to meet him in person and thank him for being here and bringing such amazing music into our souls. Thank you Eddie, Thank you. Until I can thank you in person.



Photos courtesy of Suzanne. First one is me and Sarah outside of the Warner Theatre before the show. Second and third is a photo Suzanne took when he came out to meet everyone. Oh I'm so going to have my chance!

Keen Style

 

This represents an average evening in the Dorazio-Sanders Household. It's called Ally finds many pieces of random clothing and tries to put them all on at once.

This fine oufit is brought to you by a baby tie died shirt that hasn't fit her since she was about 11 months old, a bathing suit from last summer that is also too small, pants from this season, and what outfit is not complete without a tiara AND a magic wand. I mean serioulsy guys, please don't tell me you leave home with out the last 2 items- that is a fashion sin!

While wearing this particular outfit, Ally danced around screaming Avril Lavigne "Hey!Hey!Hey! I don't like your girlfriend! I think you need a new one" and telling me she wanted to go on a vacation in Miami. Something tells me.she'd almost blend in wearing this ansamble.

Feeling Around in The Dark

So my healing from Guillan-Barre continues.....

I went to the neurologist a few weeks ago and he says I have a long way to go, but I'm healing nicely. He checked my reflexes and well, they are pretty much gone and not coming back. They were never cat-like to begin with, so if I'm going to be a super hero, I'm probably going to have the super power of invisibility.

I've also started Physical Therapy last week. With most PT patients the slogan is "No Pain, No Gain." Not so much in my case... The PT said with GBS patients you can't push us to far or more damage will be caused. In PT right now we're focusing on strenghtnng my core being my legs like to give out when I'm walking so I can rely on my core for support rather than my weak legs. Other exercises for the week are leg massage- to get my body used to touch again as my nerve endings are in constant pain and any stimulation to them hurts. I'll be going to PT twice a week for awhile.

Yesterday was my firts Occupational Therapy appointment, and well my manual dexterity, feeling and strength is pretty much non-existent. She did some tests yesterday to see where I was and well we have a long way to go. She did a test to see how much weight I could handle, I had to squeeze the handle of this instrument. The average score for a person my age is 60 pounds, I could only handle 14 pounds. So getting into fights with old people at this point is not a good idea. Other tests for my hands skills were to dig in a bowl of rice for various objects- pennies, paper clips- for 5 minutes blindfolded. Well, my right had could find 3 and my left had could fine 1. The OT seems to think that we'll be able to save my hands somewhat, but we are defiantly working on a timeline. So I was sent home w. more exercises. I'll also have OT twice a week.

On top of learning to use my body again, my biggest complaint is the fatigue. I'm so tired it hurts to move. I'm not use to having such low energy, and I'm so tired it hurts. I believe I could sleep anywhere these days.

I'm also still in a lot pain. The doctor said he could prescribe me some meds, but they have some strong side effects. I'd rather trudge through, than have any more to deal with.

Our niece left on Saturday after being here for 2 weeks and that was glorious! Having extra hands at night to help with the kids and dinner was marvelous. She even watched the kids when I need to rest for a few which was more than welcomed. Now she's gone and it's back to balancing it all.

I'm hoping to go back to more frequent entries in my blog, as I'm learning I have an audience. The last few weeks have been crazy, but things are calming down as much as they can and I hope to amuse you all with more amusing tales.